


In (Hu)Man's Own Image

by pintyp



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: (he is a CHILD), (no romance/sex between shinji and misato is implied go AWAY you sick fucks that's his MOM), (posted without proofreading because what else is new), (potentially not compliant with end of evangelion), (sort of), (takes place before tv series instrumentality), (with the tv series), Angst, Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Extended Scene, First Love, First Meetings, Implied/Referenced Suicide, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Songfic, Spoilers, babygay shinji ikari
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-27 22:40:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17170796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pintyp/pseuds/pintyp
Summary: A pain star has entered your house, but what are you going to do about it?Are you going to touch it?At the edge of the crater, Shinji Ikari meets the boy who will change everything. (Retelling of the events of Episode 24, with an extension of the final scene of the episode. Inspired by the 2018 rerecording of "Nervous Young Inhumans" by Car Seat Headrest.)





	In (Hu)Man's Own Image

**Author's Note:**

> There are a couple of songs by Car Seat Headrest that I think fit Shinji's relationship with Kaworu damn near perfectly. So, as far as canon-compliant work goes, expect to see more of that from me. Also, writing based on lyrics of a certain song is a really cool exercise in pacing, and I wholeheartedly recommend it.

One of the first things you’d notice about Shinji Ikari, once you paid enough attention, was his unwillingness to take up space. On the train, he sat with his legs together, his hands folded neatly in his lap, and his head down, approximating some sort of fetal position. His posture was stiff, always standing with his arms firmly locked at his sides. And his penmanship bordered on microscopic, every character no bigger than a pinhead, floating in the middle of each line. It was almost an admission of guilt, his way of telling the world he felt he did not deserve to live in it, a half-assed apology for his existence.

The first few weeks at NERV were hard on him. Shinji went even further into his shell, hardlyspeaking to anyone, with the only real exception being at home when he’d ask Misato if she was finished eating so he could do the dishes every so often. After a while, though, he seemed to be adjusting a little better, especially once he started talking to the other boys at his school (even though he was still shy around them) and Asuka joined the picture (even though she always pushed him around). Getting more experienced with the Eva didn’t hurt, either, and little by little, the validation he got for being a pilot would power him out of his anxiety.

Or, at least, that was how it seemed.

The truth was, no one fully understood Shinji Ikari. As easy to read as he was, his motivations were sometimes hard to comprehend. Asuka was normally the closest to getting it right, but even so, she was always missing something. On the other hand, the average agent at NERV made Asuka look like some kind of psychic. To the agents, Asuka’s usual overzealous attitude, though sometimes obnoxious, was something that made their job easier, and Rei’s detached compliance also made sense. But Shinji’s chronically low energy and contempt for Gendo were hard to wrap their minds around. Misato would try her best to remind them that Shinji was still a child and that he shouldn’t be held to the same standards as well-adjusted adults, but that rarely changed their opinions of Shinji in the long term. And they weren’t particularly concerned with trying to keep their opinions secret from Shinji, either.

His usual escape from NERV was, well, exactly what it sounded like: escape. Shinji would circumnavigate Tokyo-3 in as many ways as he could, walking through different neighborhoods, taking the train as far as the tracks would take him, riding the bus for hours on end. But since the battle with the 16th Angel ended with much of the city destroyed, Shinji had no real choice but to go to the massive crater left in its wake. The waves lapped at the shore where he stood, the water appearing more like LCL in the twilight. 

It was at that spot where Shinji first met him.

“You can just call me Kaworu,” the boy said.

“You can call me Shinji, too.”

There was nothing that seemed particularly strange about Kaworu Nagisa. He was a bit formal when he spoke, despite wanting to be called by his given name, but that was no different from Ayanami’s idiosyncrasies. He was direct, but so was Asuka. And there was something about him that felt almost magical, but Shinji didn’t think much of it. To Shinji, Kaworu was a normal kid.

He didn’t stop to think about how much his definition of “normal” had changed.

When Shinji was with Kaworu, he felt safe, and in equal importance, he felt seen. He could rattle things off to Kaworu as they came to mind, not particularly concerned with what Kaworu thought of him (even as he wanted to make a good impression on him). He could let his guard down. And when he wasn’t with Kaworu, all he could think about was when he’d be able to see the Fifth Child again, and what he would do when he saw him.

He looked forward to seeing his friends, but that was different. Kensuke and Toji’s banter often turned to white noise when they hung out together. Asuka usually talked about herself—Germany, college, the classes she had taken—and that usually felt more like watching an interview with some celebrity on an afternoon talk show. Ayanami sometimes didn’t say anything at all. With Kaworu, he felt engaged, connected. Kaworu was a breath of fresh air; he was almost stubbornly opinionated, but his perspective was so unique that Shinji found himself constantly having to stop and reconsider his own beliefs and feelings when they spoke. He’d have to think about his life, his experiences, and his opinions about the people he knew. And then, he’d have to think about Kaworu.

Had Shinji ever felt this way about anyone else before? He didn’t know. He couldn’t really explain what it was he felt in the first place. Was this how Toji and Kensuke felt about the girls in their class? As they stood together the shower, Shinji's gaze was fixed on Kaworu.

Kaworu’s chest. Kaworu’s shoulders. Kaworu’s eyes.

In the bath, Kaworu said something about Shinji’s heart being like glass. Something about that fragility being the reason for his “regard.”

Shinji didn’t understand.

“It means, ‘I love you.’”

If Shinji were to even try to explain it, the best way for him to put it would be to call Kaworu a “gentle soul.” But it wasn’t just his soul, it was everything about him. His movements were light and airy. His features were delicate, maybe even dainty. And the care for Shinji that Kaworu carried within him, that too was expressed in a way so kind that it almost felt alien. But Shinji loved the feeling nonetheless. In those moments, Kaworu was more than Shinji’s friend. Kaworu was an angel.

_Kaworu was an Angel._

The truth was a hot metal rod shoved between Shinji’s shoulders, branding him with confusion, rage, and terror. Worse than that, however, was the emptiness. Everything Shinji had believed and felt about Kaworu had been yanked out from his heart, turned on its head, and given back to him on the silver platter of official orders from Major Katsuragi. Shinji didn’t want to accept the fact that Kaworu was an Angel, but even more so, Shinji didn’t want to accept the fact that he’d been betrayed. He thought that Kaworu was different from everyone else. He thought Kaworu actually cared about him. He thought Kaworu wouldn’t abandon him. Now, Shinji just felt like a pawn in someone else’s game of chess. He couldn’t say the feeling was new to him, but this time, he couldn’t brush it off. Because this time, the player wasn’t his father. This time, the player wasn’t someone he had grown to despise.

Fighting Unit-02 was nothing. It was more difficult than any of the Angels he’d fought before, but that was just because of the physical strength of the Eva. And in that moment, anything that existed only within the realm of the physical was nothing. The real battles were fought within. Shinji versus the fact that Kaworu was an Angel, which he still had yet to accept. Shinji versus the fact that Kaworu had betrayed him, another thing he had yet to accept. Shinji versus the idea that Kaworu had abandoned him, something he didn’t want to think about. Shinji versus the idea that he’d have to kill Kaworu. Shinji versus the idea that, once again, he would be alone.

He didn’t want to do it. He really didn’t want to do it. Shinji did not want to be intentionally capable of such cruelty. He beat himself up about the idea while Kaworu kept talking about things that sounded like insanity. Lilim. The light of the soul. The AT Field being the same as the wall existing in one’s heart. The fate of humanity. The fate of Kaworu Nagisa, himself. The fate of Shinji Ikari, the boy he claimed to love not too long ago.

“Life and death are of equal value to me,” Kaworu proclaimed. “Dying of your own will, that is the one and only absolute freedom there is.”

Shinji couldn’t say he was shocked to hear Kaworu talking like that, but he couldn’t say he expected it, either. If he said he’d never felt the same, he would be lying. But hearing it come from someone else’s mouth was especially jarring.

“Now, erase me from this world.”

Shinji bit his lip.

“If you don’t, you will be the ones who are erased. Only one life form will be chosen to survive the time of destruction and be given a future… and you are not a being who should die.”

Underneath his plug suit, Shinji’s knuckles had turned white from clenching so tightly onto the controls.

“Your people need the future.”

He was shaking. He didn’t want to do it. He didn’t want to do it.

“Thank you. I’m glad I met you.”

Tears welled up in Shinji’s eyes. He forced them shut and turned away.

As he inched his fingers towards the trigger, he heaved silently.

 

* * *

 

Under the moonlight, the water of the crater became a cold black void. With the change of the tides, waves no longer lapped at the shore—they broke. Like bones.

Shinji didn’t know how long he had been sitting in the sand. Misato stood beside him. She had been standing there the whole time, but she hadn’t said a word.

Finally, he broke the silence: “Kaworu said that he loved me.”

Though Misato did not respond, Shinji knew she was listening.

“It was…” With his listener present, Shinji’s anxiety had crept back into the conversation. He took a deep breath before continuing, forcing his eyes shut like he had done only a few hours ago. “It was the first time someone told me they loved me.”

The barrier protecting him from vulnerability was down now. He recalled what Kaworu had said earlier, about the AT field being the wall that protects one’s heart.

“He was like me.” Shinji continued, “and like Ayanami.”

Shinji paused. The waves sounded a bit gentler now.

“I loved him.” He pulled his knees closer to his chest.

“Kaworu was the one who should have survived.” Shinji’s voice cracked. “He was a much better person than I am.”

The sobs he refused to let out from before finally emerged.

“Kaworu should have been the one to survive.”

“You’re wrong,” Misato said, breaking her own silence. “Only those who have the will to live get to survive.”

Shinji didn’t respond.

“He wished to die. He abandoned his will to live, clinging instead to a false hope. You did nothing wrong, Shinji.”

Of course Misato would say something like that. Of course someone from NERV would say something like that. He knew their game now; they’d tell him something he wanted to hear so he’d keep cooperating. And now, he wanted to be told he wasn’t a bad person, that he was doing what was right, that, at the end of the day, this was all somehow for the greater good of humanity. He wasn’t evil for killing someone who cared for him so deeply. He was a good person. And even so, good and evil were irrelevant in such conditions. He knew what was coming next.

“Miss Misato, you’re cold.”

“Maybe so,” Misato laughed, bringing herself to Shinji’s level and sitting down.

That was not what Shinji expected.

They enjoyed the silence again for a few moments.

“This boy… you said you loved him. Do you mean that?” Misato looked to Shinji for the first time since they’d gotten to the crater.

“I… Yes. I think so.”

“Does that mean you like boys, then?”

The question sent a cold feeling through his spine.

“You can be honest about it, Shinji.”

“Well…”

He thought about it for a bit. Kaworu was just one person. But when he thought about the girls in his class, he couldn’t say he felt the same way about any of them. He knew he was _supposed_  to be turned on by girls’ breasts or legs or what have you (and he couldn’t deny that he occasionally was), but he didn’t get so riled-up talking about it the way other boys in his class did. They all attributed it to his sensitivity. Shinji wasn’t sure if that was all there was to it.

“To be honest, I don’t really know.”

“That’s okay.”

“But I might.”

“That’s okay too.”

She put her hand on Shinji’s shoulder. He didn’t flinch at her touch this time.

“…Thank you.”

Shinji closed his eyes and listened to the waves again. The harsh sound of bonebreak was gone.

Still, he knew it was going to be a long road ahead.

**Author's Note:**

> (Consider this a half-assed apology of my own.)


End file.
